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Are "Should" and "Ought" Blocking Your Path to Love?

How to overcome three intentional roadblocks to love
By Kathryn Lord
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Updated: Nov 25, 2007

Have you heard yourself saying things like "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" or "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me"? Or how about "We should have... (fill in the blank: the same sense of humor, a similar background, or compatible taste in furniture)"?
I find that lots of singles have rules that guide their love life. Some rules make good sense (like only dating people who are really single and available, economically stable, and live within the law). But many rules are unrealistic, harsh, or based on romantic myths. Then these singles end up comparing their dates with their guidelines, sensible or not, and making life decisions that have enormous consequences.
I am a romance coach, but I have also been a psychotherapist for over 30 years. I learned long ago to listen carefully to the language my clients use when they talk about themselves and their lives. In particular, I'd watch for the words "should" and "ought."
What's wrong with 'should' and 'ought'
While exceedingly and commonly used, "should" and "ought" could easily be eliminated from our vocabulary. At the very least, we would all feel a lot better. Should and ought are guilt-producing words: "I should spend more time with my mother," "I really ought to lose some weight." The sayer doesn't really intend to do what he is shoulding or oughting. If so, he'd say, "I will spend more time with Mom," or "I'm going to start dieting today."
Shoulding and oughting are like giving yourself a lash on the back
Shoulding and oughting are like giving yourself a lash on the back: You are punishing yourself with your "I should" or "I ought" statements. Your guilt is eased with your punishment, making it possible to go on with your life, while never following through with what you said you should or ought to do.
In the case of love, shoulds and oughts give us a way out when we need it, just like being picky. Looking for love is loaded with anxiety: "What if it doesn't work?" "What if I find out I don't really love her?" "What if he finds out about (you fill in the blank)?" When your anxiety screams for relief, pulling out a good old should or ought can provide your escape hatch.
Top 'shoulds' and 'oughts': Road blocks to love
Let's look at some common shoulds and oughts more closely, so that we can see the errors in thinking:

1. "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love." Odd as it may sound, some people never feel the intoxicating sensations we think of as "being in love." The ability Some people fall in and out of love very easily, some people never do.
to fall in love is on a continuum:Some people fall in and out of love very easily, some people never do. Some people fall in and out of love
very easily, some people never do. Most of us are somewhere in between. Those people who never "fall in love" are still quite capable of loving and forming relationships. If you find yourself waiting for the "in love" sensation which never comes, the "I should be thinking about my Sweetheart 24/7 or I must not be in love" could keep you permanently single.

2. "I should know if he (or she) is the right one for me." Really? How? Of course there are better or worse choices, but assuming that your date meets your criteria of "good person" and the two of you enjoy each other, seem compatible, and don't irritate the heck out of each other, what more do you need? This "should" may be connected to your "falling in love" ability: If you are able to "fall in love," that biochemical process (it's like being drunk or high) helps surge you forward into a permanent relationship and over any questions or doubts.

3. "We should share the same ... (fill in the blank)." Why? One of the wonderful parts about finding a life partner is all the things that he or she knows and you don't, or is and you are not. Think of what you can learn from the differences. Or what you won't have to learn because your Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like you?
partner already knows.Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like you? Yes, some similarity is good, but why would you want someone just like
you? You may be pretty terrific, but how boring would it be to be married to your carbon copy!
So pay attention to your inner thoughts about love and your dates. If "should" or "ought" crop up in your thinking, take note and challenge yourself. You may have set up a condition that is road-blocking your search for love.

What is Procrastination?

People often wonder, what is procrastination? There are many degrees to the condition so that the question of what is procrastination can become a confusing one.

The best way to determine what is procrastination is to look at the effects of a behavior. The effects of procrastination and the root causes tend to be similar form person to person, such that they become a diagnostic guide to determining what is procrastination.

You can look at the following list of concepts and symptoms to determine if you are dealing with a case of procrastination and to evaluate how severe the situation is.

- Putting off a project until the last moment is procrastination. Procrastinating dramatically cuts down on the preparation time and the perfection time for a project.

Often, people who procrastinate feel they are flying by the proverbial seat of their pants, and their priority is getting something down on paper but not necessarily the best something they can produce. Procrastination is the opposite of proactive.

Proactive people start a project ahead of time to complete it ahead of time, allowing themselves enough space to complete their tasks at a pace that is comfortable. The pace of procrastination goes from zero to sixty the night before deadline, and this switch can be very stressful.

- Procrastination results from feelings of stress and anxiety. People who are anxious or overwhelmed may procrastinate due to fear of failure or a paralysis at the scope of the task at hand.

Sadly, the stress and anxiety that cause procrastination result in even more stress and anxiety. Procrastination is a self-perpetuating art until a person makes a commitment to be more disciplined.

- Procrastination does not always equate to poor performance. There are many people who have done amazing things, and they did them at the very last minute. You cannot look at a poor project and assume procrastination is the cause of the trouble.

Likewise, a fabulous project does not always mean hours of preparation and hard work begun weeks in advance in anticipation of the deadline. Quality is not always indicative of the presence of procrastination.

- Procrastination is a habit, and like any habit can be replaced by one that is more beneficial to you and your circumstances. You cannot quit being procrastination without replacing the procrastination with new habits that help you complete your tasks in a more timely and relaxed manner.

Procrastination is an elusive concept sometimes, because people can work very hard and be very successful at hiding their tendencies to procrastinate.

Taking on more than you can handle, failing to organize and a lot your time effectively, and taking too little time to relax when it is appropriate can all result in procrastination like feelings that will wreak havoc on your work schedule and your peace of mind.

Decide today to combat procrastination in your own life, and begin to take the small and easy steps to control this habit. Once you have answered what is procrastination in your life, determine ways you can address these situations to decrease your stress level and increase your amount of free time.

MOTIVATION FOR SUCCESS

Motivation is a significant factor for success in sports. Motivation and determination constitute a critical factor in how far an athlete will develop.With this characteristic added to an athlete's make-up, an athlete strives relentlessly toward his or her potential. Intense drive and determination may be the most distinguishing characteristic of young athletes who will rise to the top.

MOTIVATION RESULTS IN PERSISTENCE
Athletes want to win, to achieve, to excel. However, individuals with self-motivation and drive go after their goals with an unwavering intention that separates them from others. Their performance in training and in competition shows steel will determination and unflagging persistence.The level and strength of motivation impact directly on how well an athlete will persevere through rigorous training schedules, setbacks, possibly injuries and disappointments. With self-motivation, the athlete perseveres and remains unwavering in a focus on goals.

POSITIVE ENERGY FUELS MOTIVATION
Positive energy enhances motivation. Positive energy refers to being energized from positive sources such as team spirit, joy and love for the sport, a feeling of freedom, exhilaration. This skill of fueling performance from positive sources is associated with peak performance. By connecting to these positive energy sources, you can increase your motivation.With these types of energy sources, individuals can maintain and direct energy toward a goal over a long period of time. With positive energy fueling athletic performance, the body can maintain a state of calm and can be without unnecessary tension. Positive energy sources allow for sustained high level energy in performances over time and seemingly indefatigable reserves of energy for one's sport.

BELIEFS THAT SUPPORT MOTIVATION
Top achievers typically have a high level of self-confidence. They know what they want out of life. They know how to use their strengths to reach their goals. They tend to take more risk, but they are not afraid of failure.Overall, there is something about the nature of the beliefs that peak performers have that build confidence and spurs motivation. Sally Edwards, a world class triathlete, discussed the "incurable optimism" of top performers.High achievers hold beliefs that further and support their goals. They adopt beliefs which are consistent with their achieving success and high-level performance.

SELF-TALK AFFECTS MOTIVATION AND CONFIDENCE
Top performers mentally condition themselves with positive self-talk. Be sure that your self-talk supports your succeeding. By making adjustments in your self-talk, you can invigorate feelings of confidence and motivation.

One of the things that we know about top performers is that they use only two types of statements in their self-talk: encouraging statements and instructional statements. By following simple guidelines, you can alter your self-talk to follow in the mental tracks of top performers.

CONFIDENCE BUILDING TO INCREASE MOTIVATION
Motivation and confidence work hand in hand. If motivation starts to decline, confidence building techniques can help to bolster feelings of drive and motivation.

For more information about increasing your motivation by using positive energy sources, appropriate self-talk, and confidence building techniques, see Drive and Determination: Developing Your Inner Motivation in the books section. Drive and Determination presents a systematic program for developing heightened motivation.